URGENT BULLETIN: PITTSBURGH IS STILL IN THE NORTH

And 1865 was 144 years ago.

Confused? What I'm trying to say is that this:is racist.

A problem not generally associated with "Pittsburgh: the City of," the Confederate Flag thing is spreading in the lower-middle-class suburbs like AIDS in a room full of Catholic nymphomaniac heroin addicts. The people of rural and suburban SWPA (Southwestern Pennsylvania) are just eating it up! That's why I think it's important to post here a little review of some basic facts.

• Pennsylvania is north of the Mason-Dixon line. This means that we were a Union state back in the Civil War. If you live here, you're a "northerner."
• The last time the Confederate Flag was relevant to any existing political body (aside from some state governments) was 1865. That year, a surrender was signed at Appomattox Courthouse and the Confederate States of America was dissolved.
  
• The Civil Rights movement already happened. Our president (like him or not) is half-black. Racial equality isn't here yet, unfortunately, but racism itself is generally accepted by society as one of the most loathsome qualities a citizen of our fair country can have. That is to say, it doesn't make you look so good.

There is no clear, compelling reason that publicly celebrating institutionalized racism should be even remotely acceptable. Of course, some would have you think that they display the "rebel flag" because they support states' rights and decentralized government. Sadly, Johnny Reb, this also hasn't been relevant to the United States government for over 100 years. It's not a debate anymore. Hamilton and the Federalists won, albeit many years after their deaths, and the end result is that the federal government has the power to override just about anything the states do. And have you seen most state governments anyway? Especially our very own. The corruption is simply astronomical. If you want a strong nation (especially militarily, which seems to be important to you redneck types), then you want power to be more centralized than it might be under the Confederate ideal.

This idea of "The South will rise again!" is purely, simply, bullshit. That is, feces that come from a big ol' cow. There is no sense to it, it's got no relevance whatsoever to today's world, and the sentiment should be punishable by a hard smack to the back of the head. We are one nation, and to wish anything else is as counterproductive an un-American as you can get. If you really "support the troops" and if you really are as patriotic as you think you are, then you should probably not advocate the destruction of your own country. Duh.

And how do you think it feels to be a black person and see people proudly and prominently displaying the symbol of your own oppression? I don't roll around with a big "I'd like to enslave everyone who's been to a truck pull!" flag on my Civic. Why? Because it's asinine and I'm sure truck pulls are actually pretty entertaining.

Put them away. If you're reading this and you have a Confederate Flag on display somewhere, really, truly think about why you have it there and what its impact might be. Sure, it's your right, but I'd like to think that most people are good and most people who do that just aren't thinking about what the actual implications are. If you're really from the South, I'm sure there are better ways of expressing your pride in it. If you're actually from Pittsburgh then how about a big ol' Stillers flag? There's no harm in that.